Tom Hanks America’s Dad Monologue – SNL

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TOM HANKS!
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YES! I’M TOM HANKS AND IT’S SO GOOD
TO BE HERE HOSTING “SNL” FOR THE NINTH TIME!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WOW, WHOA!
IT HAS BEEN A DREAM OF MINE EVER SINCE I HOSTED FOR THE ATE TIME!
YOU KNOW, MAGAZINE COVER RECENTLY CALLED ME AMERICA’S
DAD. I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED SEXIEST
MAN ALIVE. BUT I WILL TAKE IT.
ANYHOW. AMERICA IS FEELING A LITTLE
NERVOUS THESE DAYS. AND I’M A RESPONSIBLE FATHER SO
I THOUGHT MAYBE IT’S TIME WE HAD A LITTLE CHAT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] HEY, BUDDY.
♪♪♪ THERE’S MY GROWING NATION.
HOW YOU DOING, CHAMP? SO.
ROUGH YEAR, HUH? YEAH, I HEAR YOU GOT A LOT GOING
ON INSIDE YOU. YOU’RE FEELING ANXIOUS AND
CONFLICTED AND YOU’RE SCARED ABOUT WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN
NEXT. WELL, YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WENT THROUGH THAT DEPRESSION?
THIS IS NOTHING. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU’RE JUST GROWING UP. YOU’RE IN AN AWKWARD PHASE.
FOR EXAMPLE, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT YOUR COMPLEXION HAS
CHANGED. YOU’RE GETTING A LITTLE DARKER.
YOU’RE FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT. BUT THAT’S NATURAL FOR A NATION
OF IMMIGRANTS LIKE YOURSELF. ALSO, YOU’RE A LOT GAYER THAN
YOU USED TO BE. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND THAT IS COOL.
THAT IS TRILL. IT’S FLEEK.
[ LAUGHTER ] WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
SO HOW YOU DOING? YOU OKAY WITH MONEY?
REALLY? BECAUSE I HEARD YOU’RE IN SOME
DEBT. I’D LIKE TO HELP YOU OUT BUT IF
I DO, YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO LEARN.
ALSO, I DON’T HAVE $19 TRILLION. [ LAUGHTER ]
I HAVE $230 MILLION. [ LAUGHTER ]
SOMETHING ELSE I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
YOU GOT A LOT OF GUNS, KIDDO. YOU NEED ALL THOSE GUNS?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I DON’T WANT TO HAVE THAT FIGHT AGAIN.
LET’S JUST DROP IT. YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ] HEY, YOU KNOW, ONE THING YOU
SHOULD KNOW. WE CAN SMELL IT.
THE WEED. [ LAUGHTER ]
IT’S LIKE YOU’RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO HIDE IT ANYMORE.
BUT DON’T WORRY, I WON’T TELL YOUR MOM BECAUSE I DON’T NEED TO
BECAUSE SHE CAN SMELL IT TOO. ALL I CAME IN HERE TO SAY IS,
YOU ARE GREAT. I KNOW SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING
CHINA’S BETTER THAN YOU. AND SURE, CHINA MIGHT BE POPULAR
RIGHT NOW. BUT PEOPLE DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW
HARD IT IS TO BE YOU. I MEAN YOU GOT A SUMMER BIRTHDAY
AND THAT’S ALWAYS TOUGH. [ LAUGHTER ]
ALSO, YOU ARE SO DANG CREATIVE. THINK OF EVERYTHING YOU’VE DONE.
YOU WENT TO THE MOON. YOU INVENTED THE INTERNET.
YOU CREATED A CANNON THAT SHOOTS T-SHIRTS.
ALL RIGHT I’M GOING TO GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR.
YOU’VE GOT A BIG DECISION THIS NEXT COUPLE OF WEEKS BUT I KNOW
YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE.
AS LONG AS YOU THINK FROM HERE AND HERE.
BUT NOT SO MUCH DOWN HERE. [ LAUGHTER ]
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I AM PROUD OF YOU.
NOW, ENOUGH OF THE SULKING. I WANT YOU TO PICK YOURSELF UP,
DUST YOURSELF OFF, GO SHOW THE WORLD WHAT ELSE YOU CAN STUFF
INSIDE A PIZZA CRUST. POUND IT.
POUND IT. OH THAT’S MY MAN, THAT’S MY MAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THAT KID IS GOING TO BE FINE
BECAUSE THAT KID IS A HANKS. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW, LADY GAGA
IS HERE, STICK AROUND! STICK AROUND!
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪

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